My Book Report

I did not do a good job posting my thoughts as I went along, but I finished the book and returned in to the library (I didn't want to renew a 2nd time!). I'm going to attempt to write how the book is now influencing the way we're parenting in our home now.

First off, I really liked this book: content, style, attitude toward parenting, hopefulness, empowerment, etc. Michelle, thank you for suggesting it! Question: do you think it would be lame to give this book to someone expecting their first child? I found it so helpful and wouldn't want a friend to miss the opportunity to feel somewhat equipped BEFORE the little firecracker even enters the world.

Now for how this book has/is/will influence our parenting:

• Be the parent, it's best in the short and the long run for the family and the child.
• Let the child experience consequences, not the removal of affection or love. I'm always tempted to emotionally distance myself when I'm annoyed and/or angry; I grew up being guilt tripped often. This could cause my kids some serious damage.
• I can think creatively and come up with consequences that fit the "crime." Already we've come up with a few really good and effective consequences and have seen alteration in attitudes and behaviors.
• My life is also changing as I've been prompted to think about my lack of boundaries in certain areas, eg. food and computer use. Modeling is important for our children, not just being told something might be good for them!
  

I'm grateful for the help this book offers to parents. I plan to read it again sometime, to review as our children get older. Parenting is no easy task, but I like how the place emphasis on getting yourself some community and support in your journey. I also need to be thinking about and praying for my parent friends, as I certainly want them to do the same for me! It's too easy for me to fall into comparison or competition and forget that we all love our kids in the same way and desire for them to grow into well-adjusted, healthy adults.

Boundaries gets five stars from me!

Trying to catch up...What kind of adult am I??

Okay, so I have to admit that I have a thousand of excuses that I did not get the book...I could blame the library, my limited income, my kids which prevent me from getting out, but then I would fall into the victim category that is described on page 27 and possibly the irresponsible adult that forgets that "we shall all give an account to God for our lives (2 Corinthians 5:10)" (pg. 26). So, out of fear that I will be a victim or even irresponsible I will politely apologize for not getting the book sooner and will decide to take the initiative (pg. 29) and actually read the book. This is a book for our kids, right...a book about parenting?

Anyway, I have appreciated reading about the types of adults that kids become when they do not understand boundaries. As I hinted at earlier, I feel like I am an irresponsible victim with very little initiative. What a great description, huh? I find it a daunting task to realize who I am, my weakness, and then to train my children in a way that they will not fall into the same sinful patterns that I so often exhibit. Lord, have mercy!

So, with all this "tall order" (pg. 36) of parenting at hand, I look forward to reading the rest of the book...as long as my responsible side wins!

Boundaries: Chapter 1 (Heather)

Hi all, I've finally gotten the book and worked my way through chapter one. I like Quitter's format, fave quotes and then comments. I'll follow her lead.

Heather's Favorite Quotes

• If a person's character makeup determines his future, then child rearing is primarily about helping children to develop character that will take them through life safely, securely, productively, and joyfully. - p. 15
• Boundaries are a key to making any relationship work - p. 17
• When we take responsibility for our part of a relationship, the relationship works, and we all accomplish our goals. - p. 18
• An accurate description of children is that they are little people who are out of control of themselves and attempting to control everyone around them. - p. 18
• The essence of boundaries is self-control, responsibility, freedom, and love. - p. 19
• Wisdom comes only from experience--the big thing a child is short on. A guardian provides the child with a safe environment for learning and gaining wisdom. - p. 19
• A manager makes sure things get done ... They oversee the day-to-day hard work of reaching goals. - p. 20
• In the final analysis, building boundaries in a child accomplishes this: What was once external becomes internal. - p. 21

Commentary:

I love having some "definition" for my & my husband's job: Guardian, Manager, Source. The other day my daughter asked me who my boss is and I didn't really have an answer for that question. It seems that I simply need to be responsible to myself to maintain the home and care for the kids. Sometimes I do okay and sometimes I fail miserably! I appreciate having a framework to think about the work that I do with the kids; and it seems infinitely more important than how clean my bathroom is or how organized my shelves and closets are.

I also really like the picture of helping your children safely experience life so they can gain wisdom. How wonderful to know that you're sending your kids away to college, the military, a marriage, an exchange program, etc. armed with some wisdom to face the myriad challenges that will come their way!

This chapter hammer's home how serious a parent's job is, training up a child to become a wise adult with character. But the authors do it in a way that give you such hope that it's possible. Of course I haven't read much, but I think I'll use principles and ideas from this book not only in our life , but also to encourage others in their parenting.

Chapter 1

Boundaries With Kids
Part 1: Why Kids Need Boundaries
Chapter 1

Qoutes I liked from this chapter

But where we do not possess inner strength, we either get stuck or we fail. (p 14)

The pattern’s children establish early in life (their character) they will live out later. And character is always formed in relationship.

It is better for a child to lose privileges than for an adult to lose a marriage or a career.

An accurate description of children is that they are little people who are out of control with themselves and attempting to control everyone around them.

Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it. Proverbs 2:6

The essence of boundaries is self control, responsibility, freedom and love.

If parents give without boundaries, children learn to feel entitled and become self-centered and demanding. Ungratefulness becomes a character pattern.

Comments
I love the story at the beginning of this chapter. It reminds me that by taking over responsibility for Isaac I’m turning him into something I don’t want him to become. I don’t want him to feel entitled. I want him to recognize what his responsibilities are.

Parenting is ENTIRELY about the future. Essentially, as parents we are developing our child’s character.

One of my fears is raising Isaac to feel entitled. I don’t want him to think that he can have anything and everything. But his life so far has been so easy---especially being the only child.

I think it was good to describe a parent as a manager. Parenting is a full time job. You are responsible for everything another human being learns and how they learn it! That’s crazy.

Introduction

Boundaries With Kids
Introduction

What it’s about
Explains that to book teaches…
how to prevent boundary problems.
the parent how to behave with the child

Quotes from this chapter I liked
No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Hebrews 12:11

Your task as a parent is to help your child develop inside him what you have been providing on the outside: responsibility, self control and freedom.

Personal
This scenario happened today, just as it does everyday…

Isaac does something that he isn’t supposed to. I correct him or ask him to sit on the step and he replies “I’m not going to be your friend anymore”.

I don’t like when Isaac says this. I think it’s manipulative and I don’t want him to try to hurt people’s feelings just because he doesn’t agree with them. He has been saying this for months but today it finally dawned on me-- I can make him STOP saying this by giving him a consistent consequence. I talked to Adam about it and we decided that the appropriate consequence would be 10 minutes of sitting on his bed in his room if he says it again. I think I will add time if he doesn’t follow the directions. This seems like a natural consequence for me…If he doesn’t want to be my friend, then he can see what it’s like to have no friends.

There things that Isaac does that I don’t like for one reason or another. So often I forget that I am in charge. I’m the one that is supposed to be in control- making the decisions of what he is and is not allowed to do and say. He needs me to tell him if something is okay or not okay. And I need to be the adult and give him the structure to help him grow into something beautiful.

Boundaries With Kids

The first book we are going to read is Boundaries With Kids by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. We can read one chapter and post about it and see what direction we want to go with it. We'll figure it out as we go.....